i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
