im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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