my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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