I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize