so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
