Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
