Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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