Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
