with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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