my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I think im going to throw up on grandma
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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