Apparently you make a good broom.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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