i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
