Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
