When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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