I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Randomize
