can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Houston, we have a squirter
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Randomize
