did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
