This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
