I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
