she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
