i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize