all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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