I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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