I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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