so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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