So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
