just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Randomize
