This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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