yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
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