u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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