Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
