I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
We need to get me chipped asap
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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