i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize