Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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