nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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