some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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