I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
