I want to walk on stilts...naked
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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