I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We're too hungover to prance.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize