Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
