I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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