i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
