I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
