Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
