So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
