I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
