i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
