you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
