The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
