we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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