I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize