He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
