Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We were destined to go to rehab together
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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