I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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