Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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