Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize