he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
