Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
