Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
