the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
